Power of Prayer

Certain emotions just hang on, regardless of what you do.  I thought I was a pro by now in suppressing my emotions. But NOOO! When human effort fails to produce the desired change, then it’s time to hand this over to God, the Most Gracious Most Merciful, asking in prayer that the emotion be lifted from you.  My own personal experience is enough prove that this works, yeah..., when all the stubborn human effort has failed.

The constant thing that I have always included in my prayers over the years is thanking Allah for giving me a grateful heart.  I am grateful for my life, my family and especially the time He gave me with my Angel Mishi, albeit short-lived but I count my blessings everyday and celebrate her life! I had no hope to hold on to, so I could raise the her twin sister with the motherly love as I had with her older siblings. It later came to mind that I didn’t know my own strength coz I got through the pain... for I had crashed down and tumbled but I did not crumble. Currently, I often wonder and imagine how they woulda been with her twin sister. *Sigh!*

I survived my darkest days and thought that I’d never make it through. But my faith..., my faith kept me alive. I thought I’d never lift that weight but Alhamdulillah! Her twin sister is very close to the father because he literally took over her upkeep as I mourned Mishi. I would play and bond with her but not for long as Mishi’s memory kept coming back rather fast! and go back into depression.

The bond M’ma has with her father is remarkable till it makes you jealous. She’s typically the daddy’s gal! She wouldn’t sleep at night from when she was seven months, unless she’s in her daddy’s arms with her bottle, looking deeply into his eyes. That bond was deep as she would feel calm and doze off almost immediately the dad carries her. They have their moments and silent code that makes you proud as a parent. 

Of all our kids, its M’ma that my hubby has really ‘leaad’ :) LOL... i.e brought up coz she is all over, did I say ALL OVER... and up his personal space and business! It really cracks me up whenever it happens. He’s usually a busy man and at-times comes home late. You know how we wives are all worked up with this, but thanx to the technological advancements, the mobile phone has ‘simplified’ our worries... ;) 

As calm, sleepy and drowsy as they usually are come 9.00pm, M’ma picks up my phone and calls the dad. “Daddieee.... where are you?” (...silence as the dad responds). 

“Are you almost coming home?”  me... :) .......(the dad responds)  “Do I wait for you or do I go to sleep?” .....(the dad responds)  The negotiations for or against are bargained.

“Okey, don’t forget to bring for me my chocolate,...the white one and some chewing gum too. Okeeeeeey?” ..... "Okey daddy?" ....(dad responds).......“Goodnight daddiee... mwaaaah!”

She hands me back the phone and kisses me goodnight. “Goodnight baby...” as I kiss her back.

Emotions

This thing called Emotion. So simple a word yet so complicated. Anyone can tell at a first glance, what your emotions are even before you open your mouth. 'Sigh!' It manifests itself mostly from the facial expression(s). Emotions controls our thinking, behavior and actions. It affect our physical bodies. 

Extensive research has been done and proven that there are only two basic emotions that we all experience, love and fear. All other emotions are variations of these two emotions. Heh! nakuambia! Thoughts and behavior come from either a place of love, or a place of fear. Emotions such as joy, happiness, caring, trust, compassion, truth, contentment and satisfaction, are love-based emotions. Anxiety, anger, control, sadness, depression, inadequacy, confusion, hurt, lonely, guilt and shame are all fear-based emotions. 

One cannot change or control their emotions but can learn how to live peacefully with them, release them and manage them, but one cannot control them. "You can say THAT again!" When we have an experience that we find painful or difficult, and are either unable to cope with the pain, or just afraid of it, we often dismiss this emotion and either get busy, exercise more, drink or eat a bit more, or just pretend it has not happened. Here, I am as guilty as charged! 

When we do this we do not feel the emotion and this results in what is called repressed, suppressed or buried emotions. Many a times I have suppressed emotions. It has been an excellent way for me to deal with my 'issues' that are beyond me. Kumbe these feelings stay in our muscles, ligaments, stomach, midriff, you name it. These emotions remain buried within us until something, especially a glance, triggers it! thus releasing that emotion, all over again! "SIGH!"

Awesome!

Taking a break on the continuation of my grieving and healing journey, today I equally want to blog about this special date. The world wide web and whole world at large is a buzz with this particular Friday. Many people across the board, of all races and colour are marking it with celebrations, rituals and whatever cultic way of making this day memorable! down to the exact time at 11.11am/pm!

The ones celebrating their birthdays today are the who carry the day especially those being born today. I bet there are many expectant mothers who planned or are forced to change their EDD and are having c-sections going down this day! just so that the children are born... you guessed it... today, the eleventh of the eleventh month of the year twenty eleven! i.e 11/11/11. How cool will that be... HUH!

Whatever way you mark this day, it's my prayer that it is memorable and not regrettable! Wishing y'all a remarkable Friday the 11/11/11.

Tick Tock!

I was hot. Literally! I could feel my pulse from every vein in my body and with every heartbeat came a constant reminder of the pain I felt! My throat was aching and the pain became increasingly unbearable. No matter how hard I tried to preoccupy my mind with something, the more blank thoughts flooded my mind. Tabula rasa!

I couldn't think. I couldn't move, as I lay on my tummy next to my angel who was in the same position. Each feeling the others heartbeat. She was equally hot but her feet were cold, and because of that, she had socks on her feet and a diaper only.

Time literally passed us as we lay there, too weak to move or turn. I was in a trance and after what felt like eternity, I reached out for my phone and called Darling. He was in the living room with my dad, second mum, his elder bro as well as mine and my younger sister. As he was coming, I wrote a note telling him to take me to hospital as I wasn't feeling well at all!

I was too weak and in soo much pain that I could hardly talk. I had hardly eaten anything for a week now no matter how much I was persuaded to do so. I only took liquids then took my medication. Its like a pact we had with my baby, 'together in solidarity'. She too had not eaten solid food for eight days now! The moment you turn her for feeding, she would have convulses and her mouth would hardly open.

I Miss U...

Its the first month that's the most difficult. Every ticking moment is filled with nostalgia. Gazing at one place, not specifically looking at anything, as in a trance. Dazed and hopeless for the future. How can I live without you? How? Good Lord, I search for an answer from Thee on this one, for it is the most difficult situation I have so far encountered.

No amount of tears shed would bring you back to me. Gone you are, without even saying goodbye. That thought... that very thought makes my tears flow freely as a waterfall! The thought of us chatting and your presence made happy. That smile, that charming smile and twinkling eyes melted my heart. You always knew the right buttons to push, just so you hear my warm hearty laughter! then you would also burst out laughing and giggling at how naughty you are!

Your flawless, supple, smooth and soft skin against mine felt soo good that I took pleasure in oiling and massaging your whole body. Your eyes told me so, of the pleasure you derived from that! The tenderness of your lips still lingers on mine as though it was just five minutes ago. As I caress my lips and think of you, I thank our Almighty God for the moment we shared. For it is through Him, that He giveth and through Him, that He taketh away.

I thank Him for the gift of time. From the time since I first glanced and laid my eyes on you. The first time I held you in my arms. Kissed and hugged you tightly, though still weak, knowing we were going to together forever and ever, till death do we part! The bond we had is beyond any human comprehension, only God and any mother out there, will understand what it entails! Since inception, nurturing you in my belly as you grow from a tiny cell to a complete young one of human beings, is one of God's many great miracles of life!

This is the beginning of my story. This is a mother's story of losing a child. My journey through the life and time God blessed me with Mishi Mbaruku.

This Day!

Today is indeed a special day that which cannot go without mention for it is the first of November, twenty eleven, i.e 1/11/11. Throughout the world numerous occurrences are being noted  for future reference on how this historic day was marked. Not wanting to be left behind, I found time to blog despite being extremely beat after a hectic day!

I must say it was an interesting day because I had like three assignments that needed my immediate attention and still found time to hook up with a special friend after a five-year absence. I didn't believe it myself and hadn't imagined that time can fly that fast! We parted ways after tossing our glasses to '...a new beginning!'

Speaking of new beginnings, yesterday, Monday 30th October 2011, marked the birth of 7th Billion person in the world! Imagine that! 7th Billion! Something huhm?!

Wishing y'all a remarkable and memorable 1/11/11!

Unmasked!

At what point does one get to lay off a helping hand, just coz yo beau isn't comfortable with her? From the time I hired here, she had shown great potential and really out-did herself in order to keep this job. That's the beauty of knowing how to separate the worthy one, who knows the true value of her worth and the joy-rider who is out to constantly be on your nerves and doesn't really care much about her job.

She is great with my young girl, especially during feeding time coz she's quite stubborn at every mealtime. The older girls too like her but they too have their reservations in some ways that she executes her duties. It's a whole web of doubts. But for every doubting character, there will always be cracks! It is these cracks that lead you to the real person. The real unmasked person! 

I know I am a good boss and believe in fairness and equity. I equally know my temperament and those close to me know that. When I am happy, you will know and when I am mad, you will definitely know! I believe in helping to bring out the best of a person. Many have admired my style, personality and the way I handle my business. How do I know that? Quite an interesting discovery it was. The subtle signs and give-a ways that those 'wannabes' exhibit, is astounding! 

I am glad that I can help and influence change on a person's character. For that is a clear indicator that I am influential, a role model and a good leader! After what I have seen, heard, witnessed and gone through... I can confidently say I am! Talent is supposed to be beneficial to others, not to be kept to oneself! There is a Kiswahili saying that goes, " Tenda wema uende zako. Usingoje shukurani. Yote mwachie Mwenyezi Mungu"

Alhamdulilah! I continue to thank God for His blessings and mercies.

Today...

Today I went down memory lane. I listened to my all time favorite songs. 99.9% of them are love songs! HMPH!... you shoulda seen me! O-M-G! I was suddenly re-born. Full of energy. Back to the days of my teenhood! GOSH! I thank God I came across the CDs, flash-disk and radio cassette as I was re-arranging my room, placing things in order since moving house. Going through my stuff that was nicely stashed for a later reference, the photos and my music was the icing in the cake!

I called my girls and we had a blast and really good laugh as we went down memory lane. They asked questions, made comments and compliments. THAT MOMENT... that very moment... is and will be for a very long time, well imprinted in my mind! It was totally amazing! You shoulda seen the bonding session! HMPH! Alhamdullilah! I thank God for the gift of love!

Back to my music, I am a sucker for love songs... They get me all mushy and lovey dovey. Since my childhood days of the Cinderella fairy tales, when love ruled and conquered the smitten heart, I instantly got hooked up to love songs. From the days when we would wait patiently wait by the radio for our favorite songs to play so that we could dub them into cassettes! I'm I talking to anyone out there? :) Boy! did I graduate to be a master dubber or what! :)

But gone are those days. Technological advancements have moved practically everything to another level! Don't even get me started! This is a topic for another day. Today... today I will definitely have a good night sleep. That which is said to be as a baby's. For my heart is light, full of happiness and lotsa love!

TRUE friends...

T-TRUE, TRUSTWORTHY... They are the friends who you are comfortable being your true self around. Those you tell of your mess and they wont go 'share' it in a "prayer meeting." They that can see your strength in your weakest moment, and they'll tell you the TRUTH even when its ugly...

R-RESPECT... They respect you, your values, time, goals and ambitions. The way they talk to you and talk to others about you builds a good image of you. And when they hear people gossiping about you they hurt! and even in those days when your not-so-good-friends, they wont go backstabbing you because even then, they respect you...

U - UNDERSTANDING... They know you in a level that others don't. They understand you and will know when you say 'am good" and by the tone of your voice they know your not!

E - EVER there to ENCOURAGE... They are the wind beneath your wings that push you to your best. They are not threatened by your success for they celebrate you... always!!!

My Year!

Like wine, I become finer as I age! This is something I have noted since the beginning of this year, through a personal journey of self discovery. I have been shelving it, hoping to find an ideal time until I dedicated this particular year, 2011, to be MY year. Oooh My...my my my!... I have re-discovered myself to levels and heights that amaze me! and am loving every moment of it!

As we celebrate Steve Jobs (R.I.P 1955-2011), he's words never stop ringing in my ears! " Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else’s life, LIVE by YOUR VISION!. Don't be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your inner voice...and most importantly, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary." 

I thank God for giving me the strength and believing in me on the time off I took to concentrate on myself.  It's been quite a journey, both an eye and ear opener... :-) Anyone out there who has been having that void sense of belonging needs to fully undertake this soul searching journey. I totally relate to the Julia Roberts movie... "Eat, Pray, Love"

Am I talking to someone out there?

Appreciation

Nothing is more honorable than a grateful heart. So often are we caught up in our destination that we forget to appreciate the journey, especially the goodness of the people we meet on the way. Appreciation is a wonderful feeling, don't overlook it.

Just as music makes your body subconsciously move to beat, showing our appreciation means, banishing all thoughts and the mind is wholly consumed by those beats! Let us be grateful to those who make us happy, for they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.

Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction.

Guess What?

Life is not usually that glamorous as potrayed when you are sixteen! Albeit having no care in the world, hormones raging left, right and centre, your body having a mind of its own as it changes biologically to the peak point of adolescence. It arouses feelings that tempt one to unleash them, so as to have 'fun' most of the time! But then again, life at 16 years of age has its low moments. Every teenager would tell you that they are experiencing some kind of pressure. It could be either from one's parents, relatives, friends, academic institution, religion or peer-pressure! 

The kind of life one assumes in early adulthood is determined by how a teenager sails through teen-hood. With such kinda pressure weighing down on a teenager, without discipline and a guided mentorship programme, the teens early adult life would be greatly compromised. As an African, our immediate family relatives always monitored our behavior as we grew, so as to curb or rather tame any misbehavior. The girls had 'aunties' who, under a mother’s permission, teach the girl how to behave and conduct oneself from the onset of her first menses. 

One is cautioned and warned not to be too cosy with or around the boys, as now, the body has transformed and blossomed into this beautiful and 'ripe' young woman. All of which, any opposite sex person would become sexualy attracted to you! The attraction is good because you are deemed desirable but very dangerous because, the girl is taught that her body is 'sacred!' and cannot be 'misused!' She should value, cherish and treasure her body till a suitable suitor comes along to ask for her hand in marriage.

Ooooh...those were yester years! How times have changed! So much that only a selected few, especially those in the rural areas, follow that tradition to the letter. A few try to uphold the same despite residing in urban areas. We nowadays send our children to boarding schools and abroad for further studies where they are exposed to all manner of cultures and broad-minded teenagers and adults! As if that is not enough, technology has also hugely contributed to the influence and spread of all manner of behaviour and character imitation. Entertainment joints too, are sprawling up almost every other place where our children are sucked up to drugs and prostitution in the name of having fun!

As teenagers, they have this great ability to absorb information and change and as Bob Dylon said "if you're not busy being born, you're busy dieing!" To me, happiness consists of comfortably being where you belong as you go through your everyday life. So... God grant me the STRENGTH to change the things I can, the COURAGE to accept the things I cant and the WISDOM to know the difference! Amen!

Sweet 16!

How many out there can reminisce way back when they were 16years of age? Humph! nostalgic moments they were! No care in the world, fantasies and dreams galore and literally at the peak of teen-hood! As a young girl, I remember how gorgeous and sexy I was. Oh my! My skin was supple, tight and tender, so were my boobs! I thank God for my genes for I like how my body has responded since, when I was 16. Many ladies out there are glad with all the innovation and technological advances, especially in their skincare products, which has done a remarkable job in ensuring that "this" sexy, supple, tight and tender body defies natures order of advancing years.
 

The skincare products have been personalized from age group to different parts of the body, especially the face and neck! i.e from the basic (home) beauty regime to the more sophisticated high-end age defying beauty regime. If that isn't enough, one is a surgical table away, for some nip and tuck, so as to have that "perfect" body! 

All this is in an effort to always have that forever young feeling. Its an amazing feeling and the amount of happiness that you have depends on the amount of freedom you have in your heart. Freedom to be have what everyone wants from life, that is, continuous and genuine happiness.

Still... Someone Special

Usually when two people are together for a long time, things seem to change. It's been 16 and counting years..., of the said nothing good lasts forever but this love gets better every day! We get all excited inside every time that we get alone. He still got love in his eyes..., and I still got love in my soul.

Its amazing how still it feels like the first time we met that I kissed and I told him "I love you". We still have fun like teenagers even though we're grown and married with kids! We still talk on the phone for hours when he’s away and he still spoils me every other day. Leading to everyone asking how we make it last. I tell them, I still..., he still..., we still got mad love for each other!

I still smile in the morning, when I realize I'm still in his arms. We know everything about each other, but we still keep holding on. We're never gonna break up coz we'll be always there to make up as long as we stick together. We'll climb higher coz I'm gonna ride with him to his career peak. Our love is never gonna end, we're on fire!

We go through problems just like everybody else, but I really don't mind coz it makes us keep it fresh. He's my lover, my babies father, my lifetime partner and my best-friend. He’s still the man of my dreams, he's still the man for me and I'm still in love him. I Love you Mbaruku, soo deeply!

Odyssey

When one tries to visualize the future, usually, you will notice that there's a time for departure even when there's no certain place to go. An odyssey of some sort. Much as they are usually referred to as 'good' or 'bad' people only some are a little better or a little worse, but all are activated more by misunderstanding rather than malice. A blindness to what is going on in each others hearts... nobody sees anybody truly but all through the flaws of their own egos.

That is how we humans see each other in our course of life. Vanity, fear, desire, competition - all such distortions that are within our own egos - condition our vision of those in relation to us. But then again, add to those distortions, to our own egos and the corresponding distortions in the egos of others! MY MY MY... do you see how cloudy the glass through which we look at each other becomes?

That's how it is in all human relationships except when there is that rare case of two people who love intensely enough to burn through all those layers of opacity and see each other's naked hearts!

The made-up mind

Life is very interesting... in the end, some of our greatest pains, become our greatest strengths. We gain strength, courage and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... where, we MUST DO THAT which we think we cannot. 

The feeling is indescribable, almost nauseating! In recent times, when I dared to be powerful - to use my strength in the service of my vision, it then became less and less important whether I am afraid or not. It is at this point when it dawns on you that our strength grows out of our weaknesses. 

To quote Mahatma Gandhi on this matter, he says “Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.”

WOOOW!

Wow! I did not intend to stop blogging right after Ramadhan but HMPH! Not for over five days! No more procrastination! I promise to try harder... ;-) The good thing is that I am liking this new interface that Google Blogger has upgraded to. It is quite interactive, engaging, friendly and shows you all the 'happenings' within your blog(s)! WOOOW! Congrats to the team! Excellent work and keep the creativity alive!

At this rate, it makes me wonder... how would the cyber world be by the time my five-year-old daughter is a teenager? With innovation that keeps changing the face of design, its my prayer and hope that Mola anijalie maisha marefu yenye afya na uzima nipate kuona vitukuu na vilembwekeza, nione vile teknologia itakavyo kuwa imesongea na hasa hapa nyumbani Kenya! Ameen!

Renewing of the mind

For the few who know the benefits of yoga, will attest to the fact that it focuses on the present such that you have greater coordination, memory and improved concentration skills. It lets you clear your mind of all its impurities and focuses on tapping on your inner soul. Knowing others is intelligence but knowing yourself is true wisdom. 

 

To try and change our lives without changing our thoughts is like trying to change the movie by trying to manipulate the screen. What one needs most importantly is to change our thoughts. For many years, yoga and meditation have proven to permit the mind, body and soul to realize tranquility and balance. Therefore, when we renew our thoughts, we transform the image playing in front of us, hence, increasing our creativity and focus which is essential while going on with our daily activities.

 

Mastering others is strength but mastering yourself is true power! Once you achieve the relaxation of the mind, it makes you realize that if you have enough, you are truly rich. The size of your success is measured by the strength of your desire, the size of your dream and how you handle disappointment(s) along the way.

 

Design with conversation

Designers the world over are known to be problem solvers. Designing with conversation in mind involves solving problems with people and making things that are useful based on what you have seen and heard, rather than attempting to anticipate as well as define all features upfront. It is good to do a build-up and share it's conceptualization early with your audience. This makes it more flexible in the beginning leaving room for creativity than functionality.

 

Discussing with your audience of their needs and values can help you find better ways to solve their problems. It is interesting to see how a designed brand adapts from just speaking to include listening and responding as part of its efforts. To join in a conversation with its audience, who will always be glancing at the brand, it needs to adjust its thinking by incorporating concepts from practice of  interactive development.

Aside from accommodating for conversation within the product itself, a conversational approach to design also requires significant thought with regards to the life around the product. This is because a discussion requires an audience's interaction and feedback. The critical part is enhancing and facilitating ways to make participation easy and meaningful for the users.  

Not in an immature mind

It does not take much strength to do things, but it requires great strength to decide on what to do. Many a times we have been faced with this predicament and wishing it away doesn’t help either! It consumes your mind to a point of being it’s slave. It takes form of some sort of addiction! So, in the process you try and divert your thoughts to mind engaging activities e.g taking up that assignment that you have shelved for quite some time, doing research on pending projects, watching movies, reading human interest stories, the list is endless. All this is in an effort to WISH ‘it’ (read demon) away instead of facing the issue head-on! 

BUT the moment you have a glance of the demon, no matter how many steps ahead you were on wishing it away, floods of its tormenting memory hit you off balance, leaving you feeling lost, drained and without strength. It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more 'manhood' to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind.

The easiest thing to do

Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. How many times, you as an individual, have given up on something? Be honest and truthful about it. Aren’t you amazed at how many times you have given up? Heck! it’s the easiest thing to do! But... to hold it together, when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, NOW THAT’S true strength! 

True strength comes about when one confronts the dark parts of yourself, the demons that hold you captive... and working towards banishing them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Oooh yes! sing they will! No matter how painful the experience turns out, use the pain as fuel. Fuel as a constant reminder of your strength within, to never give up but face your demons head-on!