Power of Prayer

Certain emotions just hang on, regardless of what you do.  I thought I was a pro by now in suppressing my emotions. But NOOO! When human effort fails to produce the desired change, then it’s time to hand this over to God, the Most Gracious Most Merciful, asking in prayer that the emotion be lifted from you.  My own personal experience is enough prove that this works, yeah..., when all the stubborn human effort has failed.

The constant thing that I have always included in my prayers over the years is thanking Allah for giving me a grateful heart.  I am grateful for my life, my family and especially the time He gave me with my Angel Mishi, albeit short-lived but I count my blessings everyday and celebrate her life! I had no hope to hold on to, so I could raise the her twin sister with the motherly love as I had with her older siblings. It later came to mind that I didn’t know my own strength coz I got through the pain... for I had crashed down and tumbled but I did not crumble. Currently, I often wonder and imagine how they woulda been with her twin sister. *Sigh!*

I survived my darkest days and thought that I’d never make it through. But my faith..., my faith kept me alive. I thought I’d never lift that weight but Alhamdulillah! Her twin sister is very close to the father because he literally took over her upkeep as I mourned Mishi. I would play and bond with her but not for long as Mishi’s memory kept coming back rather fast! and go back into depression.

The bond M’ma has with her father is remarkable till it makes you jealous. She’s typically the daddy’s gal! She wouldn’t sleep at night from when she was seven months, unless she’s in her daddy’s arms with her bottle, looking deeply into his eyes. That bond was deep as she would feel calm and doze off almost immediately the dad carries her. They have their moments and silent code that makes you proud as a parent. 

Of all our kids, its M’ma that my hubby has really ‘leaad’ :) LOL... i.e brought up coz she is all over, did I say ALL OVER... and up his personal space and business! It really cracks me up whenever it happens. He’s usually a busy man and at-times comes home late. You know how we wives are all worked up with this, but thanx to the technological advancements, the mobile phone has ‘simplified’ our worries... ;) 

As calm, sleepy and drowsy as they usually are come 9.00pm, M’ma picks up my phone and calls the dad. “Daddieee.... where are you?” (...silence as the dad responds). 

“Are you almost coming home?”  me... :) .......(the dad responds)  “Do I wait for you or do I go to sleep?” .....(the dad responds)  The negotiations for or against are bargained.

“Okey, don’t forget to bring for me my chocolate,...the white one and some chewing gum too. Okeeeeeey?” ..... "Okey daddy?" ....(dad responds).......“Goodnight daddiee... mwaaaah!”

She hands me back the phone and kisses me goodnight. “Goodnight baby...” as I kiss her back.

Emotions

This thing called Emotion. So simple a word yet so complicated. Anyone can tell at a first glance, what your emotions are even before you open your mouth. 'Sigh!' It manifests itself mostly from the facial expression(s). Emotions controls our thinking, behavior and actions. It affect our physical bodies. 

Extensive research has been done and proven that there are only two basic emotions that we all experience, love and fear. All other emotions are variations of these two emotions. Heh! nakuambia! Thoughts and behavior come from either a place of love, or a place of fear. Emotions such as joy, happiness, caring, trust, compassion, truth, contentment and satisfaction, are love-based emotions. Anxiety, anger, control, sadness, depression, inadequacy, confusion, hurt, lonely, guilt and shame are all fear-based emotions. 

One cannot change or control their emotions but can learn how to live peacefully with them, release them and manage them, but one cannot control them. "You can say THAT again!" When we have an experience that we find painful or difficult, and are either unable to cope with the pain, or just afraid of it, we often dismiss this emotion and either get busy, exercise more, drink or eat a bit more, or just pretend it has not happened. Here, I am as guilty as charged! 

When we do this we do not feel the emotion and this results in what is called repressed, suppressed or buried emotions. Many a times I have suppressed emotions. It has been an excellent way for me to deal with my 'issues' that are beyond me. Kumbe these feelings stay in our muscles, ligaments, stomach, midriff, you name it. These emotions remain buried within us until something, especially a glance, triggers it! thus releasing that emotion, all over again! "SIGH!"

Awesome!

Taking a break on the continuation of my grieving and healing journey, today I equally want to blog about this special date. The world wide web and whole world at large is a buzz with this particular Friday. Many people across the board, of all races and colour are marking it with celebrations, rituals and whatever cultic way of making this day memorable! down to the exact time at 11.11am/pm!

The ones celebrating their birthdays today are the who carry the day especially those being born today. I bet there are many expectant mothers who planned or are forced to change their EDD and are having c-sections going down this day! just so that the children are born... you guessed it... today, the eleventh of the eleventh month of the year twenty eleven! i.e 11/11/11. How cool will that be... HUH!

Whatever way you mark this day, it's my prayer that it is memorable and not regrettable! Wishing y'all a remarkable Friday the 11/11/11.

Tick Tock!

I was hot. Literally! I could feel my pulse from every vein in my body and with every heartbeat came a constant reminder of the pain I felt! My throat was aching and the pain became increasingly unbearable. No matter how hard I tried to preoccupy my mind with something, the more blank thoughts flooded my mind. Tabula rasa!

I couldn't think. I couldn't move, as I lay on my tummy next to my angel who was in the same position. Each feeling the others heartbeat. She was equally hot but her feet were cold, and because of that, she had socks on her feet and a diaper only.

Time literally passed us as we lay there, too weak to move or turn. I was in a trance and after what felt like eternity, I reached out for my phone and called Darling. He was in the living room with my dad, second mum, his elder bro as well as mine and my younger sister. As he was coming, I wrote a note telling him to take me to hospital as I wasn't feeling well at all!

I was too weak and in soo much pain that I could hardly talk. I had hardly eaten anything for a week now no matter how much I was persuaded to do so. I only took liquids then took my medication. Its like a pact we had with my baby, 'together in solidarity'. She too had not eaten solid food for eight days now! The moment you turn her for feeding, she would have convulses and her mouth would hardly open.

I Miss U...

Its the first month that's the most difficult. Every ticking moment is filled with nostalgia. Gazing at one place, not specifically looking at anything, as in a trance. Dazed and hopeless for the future. How can I live without you? How? Good Lord, I search for an answer from Thee on this one, for it is the most difficult situation I have so far encountered.

No amount of tears shed would bring you back to me. Gone you are, without even saying goodbye. That thought... that very thought makes my tears flow freely as a waterfall! The thought of us chatting and your presence made happy. That smile, that charming smile and twinkling eyes melted my heart. You always knew the right buttons to push, just so you hear my warm hearty laughter! then you would also burst out laughing and giggling at how naughty you are!

Your flawless, supple, smooth and soft skin against mine felt soo good that I took pleasure in oiling and massaging your whole body. Your eyes told me so, of the pleasure you derived from that! The tenderness of your lips still lingers on mine as though it was just five minutes ago. As I caress my lips and think of you, I thank our Almighty God for the moment we shared. For it is through Him, that He giveth and through Him, that He taketh away.

I thank Him for the gift of time. From the time since I first glanced and laid my eyes on you. The first time I held you in my arms. Kissed and hugged you tightly, though still weak, knowing we were going to together forever and ever, till death do we part! The bond we had is beyond any human comprehension, only God and any mother out there, will understand what it entails! Since inception, nurturing you in my belly as you grow from a tiny cell to a complete young one of human beings, is one of God's many great miracles of life!

This is the beginning of my story. This is a mother's story of losing a child. My journey through the life and time God blessed me with Mishi Mbaruku.

This Day!

Today is indeed a special day that which cannot go without mention for it is the first of November, twenty eleven, i.e 1/11/11. Throughout the world numerous occurrences are being noted  for future reference on how this historic day was marked. Not wanting to be left behind, I found time to blog despite being extremely beat after a hectic day!

I must say it was an interesting day because I had like three assignments that needed my immediate attention and still found time to hook up with a special friend after a five-year absence. I didn't believe it myself and hadn't imagined that time can fly that fast! We parted ways after tossing our glasses to '...a new beginning!'

Speaking of new beginnings, yesterday, Monday 30th October 2011, marked the birth of 7th Billion person in the world! Imagine that! 7th Billion! Something huhm?!

Wishing y'all a remarkable and memorable 1/11/11!

Unmasked!

At what point does one get to lay off a helping hand, just coz yo beau isn't comfortable with her? From the time I hired here, she had shown great potential and really out-did herself in order to keep this job. That's the beauty of knowing how to separate the worthy one, who knows the true value of her worth and the joy-rider who is out to constantly be on your nerves and doesn't really care much about her job.

She is great with my young girl, especially during feeding time coz she's quite stubborn at every mealtime. The older girls too like her but they too have their reservations in some ways that she executes her duties. It's a whole web of doubts. But for every doubting character, there will always be cracks! It is these cracks that lead you to the real person. The real unmasked person! 

I know I am a good boss and believe in fairness and equity. I equally know my temperament and those close to me know that. When I am happy, you will know and when I am mad, you will definitely know! I believe in helping to bring out the best of a person. Many have admired my style, personality and the way I handle my business. How do I know that? Quite an interesting discovery it was. The subtle signs and give-a ways that those 'wannabes' exhibit, is astounding! 

I am glad that I can help and influence change on a person's character. For that is a clear indicator that I am influential, a role model and a good leader! After what I have seen, heard, witnessed and gone through... I can confidently say I am! Talent is supposed to be beneficial to others, not to be kept to oneself! There is a Kiswahili saying that goes, " Tenda wema uende zako. Usingoje shukurani. Yote mwachie Mwenyezi Mungu"

Alhamdulilah! I continue to thank God for His blessings and mercies.